How to confirm that you are the youngest passenger on a cruise.

Recently my in-laws very kindly took my husband and me away on a Fred Olsen Cruise to Norway and the Arctic. They naturally warned us that the average clientèle were Daily Mail reading retirees with an average age of 76 and the cruise was very much aimed at its customer base. Never being one to turn down a new experience (or a free holiday) I embarked on my first cruise. Of the nearly 900 passengers we were almost the youngest (2 single women, who had similarly been offered free holidays by their parents were also on-board and were possibly a bit younger). I thoroughly enjoyed living away from my peer group and witnessing the behaviour of the middle class retiree en-masse and I have subsequently constructed a handy checklist called ‘How to confirm that you are the youngest passenger on a cruise’.

-The duty free shop only includes anti-aging and wrinkle reducing products

-You are the only passenger who knows how to buy and wear appropriately cut trousers

- You are the only person not delighted that the comedian 'wasn't too blue'

-All the quiz questions are based on trivia from before you were born

-You don't wander where the dancing girls get their energy

-You understand the computer room

-All excursions involve less than 5 minutes walking and no steps

-You haven't heard a single track on-board from the top ten from the last 10 years

-The ship shop is better stocked with Tena lady than tampons. (Also there are no condoms available anywhere on the ship)

-You are the only one who is actively seasick. (I suspect that the senior passengers have had many years to develop fearsome sealegs or are so full of arthritis drugs anyway they barely notice the ship move)

-You are the only person who wears a bikini (or should)

-You don’t think twice about walking to the stern or require a cup of tea to recover from it

-You don't know any of the dances

-You are not under the impression that gold orthopaedic sandals and a nice cardi constitute more formal attire

-If you partook of the beauty treatments in the salon and 'took 10-20 years off' you would have to hand in your driver's licence